IVF

I have been a very, very bad blogger. My apologies to anyone who is still out there attempting to read me.

Once again, my wife and I find ourselves at a crossroads of sort in this crazy land of infertility.

After another unsuccessful dIUI in April/May, we took a month off and travelled to Florida. Our first real vacation in a very long time. It was amazing. It was equally amazing not to have to think about early morning appointments, late night injections, IUIs and more.

When we got back, my wife met with the RE to discuss our next steps. Our last three dIUIs went well inasmuch as she responded well to the injections, multiple follicles were triggered, but alas, no pregnancy.

So, it was suggested we start considering IVF. And that's where we're at. Financially it will be a struggle so yet again we are on a break from treatments as we try and figure out funds to make this happen. My wife has also decided she wants to take this time to focus on weight loss and her overall health in the hopes of giving us an even greater chance of conceiving when the time comes.

Being the supportive guy that I am, I too am working right alongside her to exercise and lose a bit of weight. The fact that I was convinced to make a trip to the Dairy Queen last night not withstanding, we're doing pretty well. Can someone tell me how to resist when she bats those blue eyes at me? Anyone?!

So that's where we're at. While there won't be much going on in terms of treatments over these next few months, I hope to start blogging a little more and hope that you still want to follow our journey.

Hope that all of you out there in blogland are well.

Cheers to you.

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NIAW

Wow, has it been this long since I blogged? If any of you are still out there reading, I promise that I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. In my blogging absence, my wife and I had another dIUI cycle which sadly resulted in a BFN. I'm embarrassed to admit that we're now at the point of triggering for this next cycle and she's heading in for a dIUI on Saturday morning.

But I'm back.

I was going to brag about my superior injection skills, because really, they are good. And hey, give a guy with no sperm a break. I need to be able to brag about something in the process of getting my wife knocked up, right?!

But this week marks National Infertility Awareness Week or NIAW for short. The blogosphere has been awash with some really amazing and honest posts about infertility. As we come to the end of the week, I thought that I might take a moment to share my thoughts.

To be honest, until my diagnosis, I'm not really even sure if I knew that guys could experience infertility. So to be diagnosed was an unwelcome slap of reality. Over 40% of infertility cases are male-related. Some male fertility issues can be corrected, others aided by medical intervention. Mine cannot. To face the knowledge that there is no chance of me ever fathering my own children naturally and an extremely small percent of a chance that I could do so with even the most advanced medical intervention is still hard to swallow. I won't pretend that I understand the longing that women have to be mothers. But I can tell you the longing that I have to be a father. It's like an unquenchable thirst, a desire to be something more than I am and share a love that I cannot even begin to articulate.

I know that the decision that my wife and I have made to pursue our family with the help of donor sperm would not be for everyone. I'm not wanting us to debate this here. I firmly believe that in this world of infertility we will all make different choices and the choices that we make are right for us. I have been grateful to receive support and not judgement in my brief blogging time. The infertility community has become a special place for me. It is where we lift one another up, cheer each other on, and hold each other close on the days when we feel most wounded.

As we embark on this next dIUI, I know with every fibre of my being that should we be lucky enough to receive positive news in a couple of weeks, that child will be as much a part of me as she/he is my wife's. 100% of my heart and soul goes into our child that could be.

As for our donor, and for all of the men and women who donate a part of themselves to help others achieve the greatest of dreams, on this NIAW I thank you.

Infertility has made me a very lucky man.

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March ICLW

A big hello to all of my regular blog readers and to those who might be stopping by via ICLW. Welcome! The long and the short: I'm an Irish guy married to a Canadian girl living here in the Great White North. I have azoospermia (no sperm); she has PCOS. Together we're attempting to start a family with the help of donor sperm and IUIs.

Unfortunately our last cycle resulted in a BFN so we're starting over yet again. The result of our last cycle was rather tough on the both of us. Everything came together so well, I'd be lying if I didn't confess that our hopes were definitely up.

But together we look towards the future and another opportunity to create the family we both want so very much. Here's hoping that this next cycle is the one. I make myself useful by giving the best intramuscular (I.M.) injections in town. It's true. The self-proclaimed "Injection Master" is back in the game, baby! Injections start up again on Wednesday.

Thanks for stopping by! I hope that you'll consider sticking around. My goal is to bring a male perspective to male infertility because I don't just get it, I live it. We definitely need more men blogging about this - here's hoping that I can support and maybe even inspire someone else to share their story.

Cheers and Happy ICLW!

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Happy St. Patrick's Day

Being a born and bred Irishman, it would be amiss if I didn't wish you all a Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Only a few more days to go until my wife has her beta done and we know the results of this cycle.

Hoping that the luck o' the Irish is on our side!

Cheers! Or as they say in Ireland, Sláinte!

Happy St. Patrick's Day to you all!

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Trigger Time!

Tonight I complete my (self-proclaimed) reign as Injection Master and it is fine with me.

With three lovely mature follicles, at 9:30 p.m. tonight we will do our last shot of this cycle and then hope upon hope that it is the one. My wife has her IUI on Friday morning.

She's nervous. Her usual doctor can't do it and she hasn't had much luck with the one who will be performing the procedure.

But I am hoping that against all odds one of these little follicles comes through for us.

Thanks to all of you for your kind comments and hopeful words. Know that they are appreciated by both of us. If you could spare a good thought or two for us in the coming days, know that they would equally be appreciated.

Cheers to you all!

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Injection Master

I am self-proclaiming myself the "Injection Master" because I'd like to think I am mastering the art of giving a good shot while my lovely wife endures the more painful end of intramuscular (IM) injections. If this were an Olympic event, I think that I'd be in close contention for the gold.

My wife hates needles. Hates them. No one really likes them do they? I don't. But I don't really mind them either. My wife, however, is terrified of them. If you had asked us ten years ago if we ever saw ourselves doing at-home injections we both probably would have laughed you out of the room. For her to be going through all of this is just amazing to me. She is such a trooper and I am awed by her and all of you that go through the many, many injections.

Since she is doing hers via IM, it's easier for me to give them, and in her case it's the only way she'll ever get them done (her words). We've been doing pretty well with them this cycle, though one or two nights have been more painful than others and I always feel horrible on those particular nights. It's not payback from the Provera I swear.

The great news is that she has been responding really well to the meds this time and has at least three contenders for her upcoming IUI. At the rate we're going, that's probably going to happen by the middle of next week or so.

I am feeling really good about this cycle. It feels different from the others. Things just seem to be coming together better. I don't know if it's this combination of meds, just luck, or my master injection skills, but I'm hoping it all adds up to some good news in a few weeks!

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February ICLW

Happy ICLW everyone! I'm glad to be participating again and I hope to do more commenting than I usually do. If you're here for the first time, welcome. If you've been here before, thanks for coming back!

Quick ttc background: I'm 38, my wife is 34. We're trying to conceive our first child and have been on this quest for over four years. My wife has PCOS and I was diagnosed in the last year and a half with azoospermia, or no sperm. After varicocele surgery (ouch), numerous tests and drug therapy with no new results, we made the decision to go forward using donor sperm. I know that this would not be every one's cup of tea but this is what I love about the blogging world. We can all make different choices, but we can still all support each other just the same.

Other background: I'm Irish, born and raised. I came to Canada just over ten years ago when I married my lovely wife. I started this blog to help other guys (and their partners) get a glimpse into male infertility from a guy's perspective. I also blog with my wife over at Conceive so please stop by there too.

After taking a number of months off, my wife and I are back to fertility treatments this month for dIUI #3. She is currently in the midst of a protocol of Femara and Follistim. She is also not a fan of needles AT ALL so I'll be blogging about my experience on the other end of the needle in an upcoming post.

Again, thank you for stopping by. I hope that you'll consider staying a while by becoming a blog follower. I promise to take some time this week to ensure that I'm following all of you new followers back.

Happy ICLW everyone. Please keep your fingers crossed for us this cycle.

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I'm Scared

Pssssst. Over here. Ssssh! Don't make too much noise. Please, no sudden movements and whatever you do, do NOT look her directly in the eyes.

I want to be clear. When my lovely wife was in a better mood, we joked about this post, so she totally knows it's coming. I am hoping and praying that she WAITS to read it now though. Otherwise I may not survive to blog another day.

I'm scared. She's finished the Provera and I'm not sure, but she might just be the Incredible Hulk.

Help me out here. What do I do? If I say right, she says left. If I say hot, she says cold. I think I've received the look of death at least five times in the past 24 hours.

I know it's not her. I know it's the Provera. But I'm scared.

So, so, scared.

Could anyone spare a box or two? I totally need to reinforce my fort.

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Happy Birthday to Me

Yes, it's my birthday. On Groundhog Day. Please don't ask me if I saw my shadow.

Thanks to those who have already left me birthday wishes, I really appreciate it!

I am now 38 and I can hardly believe that I'm nearing the end of my thirties. I'd like to think though that like a fine wine, I am getting better with age.

I had a lovely albeit busy day. My wife and I are gearing up for the next dIUI cycle. She starts Provera tomorrow and I likely will go into hiding once the mood swings start! (Sorry honey, but you admitted it yourself and told me it was okay to post this!) After that, we have a good plan thanks to our RE and will move forward with that.

Here's hoping that this month brings us my birthday wish.

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Follow Up

I just wanted to thank everyone for their responses to my last post. Thanks to everyone who made book suggestions. I have added them to my reading list!

To answer some of your other questions:

daega99: We have one wheaten terrier and two pugs. My wife had the wheaten from before we were married. The pugs we adopted in recent years from two different rescue agencies.

Katie: Yes, I am a pasta convert as it were! Growing up in Ireland, we just didn't eat it. Or at least my family never did. So when I tried it here it took me a while to warm up to it. While I'm still probably more of a meat and potatoes guy, I definitely don't mind it now.

Holly: Never been to Disneyworld or Disneyland! Hopefully we'll get to hit the Florida one this summer when some of my family comes over. We have friends in CA, so who knows, a Disneyland play date when we all have our kids may be in order!

Thanks again everyone for your comments and for those great reading suggestions.

Have a good weekend!

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Beautiful Blogger

Well gosh. Yours truly has been given the Beautiful Blogger Award by Holly over at Ready to be a Mom. You are too kind Holly. I don't know if I classify as beautiful, but I'll take it! Please stop by Holly's blog if you haven't visited her before and follow her journey.

So here's the deal with this award. I have to:

Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
Copy the award and place it in your blog.
Link the person who nominated you for this award.
Tell us 7 interesting things about you.
Nominate 7 bloggers.
Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

Seven interesting things. Hmmmmm...

Even though I now live in Canada, my only experience skiing was as a teenager in Italy. One of these days I'll attempt it again!

I never really considered myself a pet person until I got married. Now my wife and I have three dogs.

Before meeting my wife, I would never, ever have considered eating pasta. Don't worry pasta lovers, I eat it now.

I'm an avid reader so if you've read a good book recently, post a comment below and let me know what it was.

I am the only one from my side of the family living in Canada. All of my brothers and sisters are still in Ireland.

I really, really, really want to go to Disney World some day.

My wife says I snore ridiculously loud. I don't hear a thing!

As for passing this award on, well, I'd like to pass it on to all of my wonderful blog followers who have not yet received this award and would like to join in the fun. I hope you'll accept the award from me because you're all beautiful bloggers in my books!

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Virgin Territory

Easy now. Not trying to raise any eyebrows but I am indeed in virgin territory. This is my very first ICLW!

If you are stopping by for the first time, welcome. I hope that through ICLW I get off my arse and actually start commenting on other blogs as well. I confess, that is not my strong suit. But that doesn't mean I'm not reading. I do. I promise.

So a little bit about myself. I was born and raised in Ireland and after university spent a few years living and working in Dublin. I met my lovely Canadian wife at a party in the U.S. (go figure!) and after a couple of years of long distance dating we took the plunge and got married and I've been living here in Canada ever since.

We married young. My wife was still in school and wanted to finish that before starting a family. We then decided to wait a wee bit longer as we got established in our careers, bought a house, and got ourselves "ready". That took about 7+ years! Had we known what we know now.... well, you can't go back, so I guess that doesn't matter much does it?

After a year of trying unsuccessfully on our own we started seeking help at the fertility clinic where my wife was diagnosed with PCOS. We thought that was our only fertility obstacle when my semen analysis (SA) came back with zero sperm. You read me right. Zero. We were floored. Since then I have had varicocele surgery in the hopes of producing some swimmers but haven't had much luck. My azoospermia is a result of testicular failure. Not exactly what a guy wants to hear. No man wants to be known as a failure in the 'junk' department.

While there is a very small chance that a testicular biopsy (aren't you glad you're reading all of this?) may produce some viable sperm to use via IVF with ICSI my urologist, who is an awesome and honest guy, has recommended the use of a donor in my particular situation.

While this wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea, my wife and I have made the decision to go forward with IUI's using donor sperm. We've been off treatment for a little while as she focused on some other health priorities but are heading back into it all in the coming month.

So there you go. I'll be honest. Sharing all of this stuff isn't exactly easy. But male infertility needs a voice so I'm hoping that I'm one of them. I hope that my blog provides some solace for other guys out there dealing with IF issues of their own as well as their partners who are maybe looking for a male perspective.

Thanks for stopping by - I hope you will again. Cheers.

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Mantra

I've been putting off this post for a while. It's not an easy to post for me to write. But I think any man or woman who is dealing with infertility will at one point or another experience feelings of guilt and blame. While I in no way wish to diminish what a woman dealing with infertility may feel (please do not misunderstand), I do believe that for men it may even be a little bit harder. Why? Because unlike our wise female counterparts, we tend not to talk about this. We bottle it up. We pretend it isn't there. We don't seek (or sometimes can't find) a community to help us through.

Let me unpack this a bit.

When my wife and I first went to the OB/GYN affiliated with our current fertility clinic it was her who was feeling guilty. She suspected PCOS. She was having issues with a non-existent period. She knew she was not ovulating. It was "all her fault" (her words) that we weren't getting pregnant. She blamed herself. I, on the other hand, was blissfully ignorant of my own issues and assured her with everything in me that there was no need to feel guilty or to blame herself. I loved her and we would figure this out together no matter what.

She was prescribed Clomid. I was instructed to have a semen analysis (SA) as a formality. So I did.

When the results came back that there was no sperm we were floored. None. Zero. Zilch. For me, perhaps unconsciously, the tables had been turned. I was no longer the one to reassure her not to blame herself. With this news, I was left feeling very guilty and I was definitely dealing with a lot of self-blame.

My wife has fertility issues, yes. But with the help of medications among other things, there is still a good chance that she can become pregnant and sustain a healthy pregnancy.

But me. I've got nothing. There's no medication in my particular case that would produce sperm. Trust me, we tried a few options. We tried surgery, but no luck.

For quite a while, I felt really guilty. I blamed myself for ruining our chances of having a baby. There was nothing that could possibly "fix" me. Why on earth would she want to stay with me? I'm broken.

But if I give infertility one thing, I'll give it this. Going through this together has made our marriage stronger than it has ever been. We are a team. It doesn't matter if one or both of us have fertility issues. There's no room for guilt or blame in this relationship.

We choose instead to turn our faces toward the future. We have the courage to say yes in the face of adversity. The courage to say yes to choices that may not be for everyone but that are right for us. The courage to say yes to deal with the lot we have been given with optimism and humour.

To experience feelings of guilt or blame is not wrong. They are, in fact, very normal. The key, in my personal opinion, is to find a way to dig yourself out of the depths of guilt and blame.

Infertility does not define me. And it never will. That, friends, is my mantra.

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New Year, New Look

Now that it's officially 2010, I can wish you Happy New Year! I hope that this is the year that all of our dreams come true. Fertility and otherwise.

With the New Year comes a new look. I'll be honest. I'm not really that creative so I just chose a new template via Blogger. But I'm hoping it's fresh and easier to read. Feedback is appreciated. Or better yet, if you're a blog designer who totally wants to overhaul my blog (for free!), I'm your guy!

As I've mentioned before, my wife and I also blog for Conceive and have a new post up. You can read our latest by clicking here. If you do stop by and read, please leave us a comment saying hello so that we know that you did!

Still quiet on the fertility front here. My wife goes for a glucose intolerance test (aka the test that determines diabetes) on Wednesday morning. Her family has a history of Type II diabetes and with her PCOS and insulin resistance issues, the PCOS specialist wanted her to get this checked out a little more thoroughly. She had to go off of her Metformin for over a month in order to get accurate test results and is eager to get back on it. We'll find out her test results in early February when she sees the specialist again. Keep your fingers crossed for her!

We're also aiming to start fertility treatments again in late January/early February. Here's hoping our third dIUI is a charm. You know I'll keep you posted.

Happy 2010 everyone!

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Happy (almost) New Year!

I hope that everyone had a wonderful holiday. We do the Christmas thing here and I'm happy to report that it was just great. I enjoyed lots of good food, including my wife's amazing cookies (no that's not code for anything dirty!), consumed a good deal of beer, and enjoyed time spent with our family and friends.

With the holidays and a new job my visits to the gym have become a bit sparse but no doubt I, along with many others, will be back come January, resolved to drop some pounds and tone up that body.

It's quiet for us on the fertility front at the moment but that will likely change in the New Year as we embark on dIUI #3. Don't worry, I'll keep you posted. In the meantime, I continue to take all the herbs and vitamins that my ND has prescribed on the off chance it kicks things into gear down in Man Town.

Wanted to wish you all a very Happy New Year now since I likely won't get a chance in the next few days to blog. Busy with work and then off to family for a New Year's Eve celebration.

Here's to 2010! As I posted on Twitter earlier today, my resolution is to become a dad in 2010. Here's to kicking infertility's ass!

All the best to you and yours.

PS - My wife is having a bit of fun on her blog by doing a giveaway (sponsored solely by her!) What's she giving away? Balls of course. Don't worry - they don't belong to yours truly! But they are the most amazing chocolate covered gingerbread bites. Check out the details here and join in the fun!

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On the Side

I probably should have shared this a while ago, but the wife and I are honoured to be blogging together for Conceive. It's a great resource for all things fertility. Definitely worth checking out for great articles, information, and ahem, some great bloggers!

Should you be so inclined, you can read my latest post on there here. Please leave a comment and let me know you stopped by!

I'll try and make a point of noting when we've got a post up for those who are interested.

In other news, I'm in the midst of holiday shopping hell! A shopper I am not. Let me know what your great gift ideas are for this year.

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Remember Me?

Is anyone still out there bothering to follow my blog?

I'm sorry that I have been so inactive for the past few weeks. It's been a busy time.

No news on the fertility front, but I started a new job (after a long hiatus) and have been busy ever since! Won't report much job wise other than it looks like it's going to be okay, it's close to home, and in due course, there should be some benefits! We have our fingers crossed that there might be some infertility coverage because we sure could use the financial help (as I'm sure many of you can relate to).

Winter has arrived here in the Great White North so snow shovelling will be added to my exercise repertoire. My wife and I have been pretty good about going to the gym regularly and both are seeing some gains (ha!) in the weight loss department.

I'm sure I'll soon be posting photos of my hot male model physique for all to enjoy.

No, not really. Those will just be for the wife! (I can see her rolling her eyes now.)

Let me know what you're up to these days. I promise I will start posting more regularly again.

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Award this!

Well, wow. Another award. A very big thanks to mommyinwaiting for the honours! Please take the time to check out her blog - I certainly do! I appreciate knowing there are others out there dealing with MFI - and while I wish we all didn't have to - at least we're not alone. Know that I'm definitely rooting for you guys!

So now the questions at hand:

Rules
1. You Can Only Use One Word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

The Survey~
1. Where is your cell phone? jacket
2. Your hair? gone ;-)
3. Your mother? missed (she passed away a few years ago from cancer)
4. Your father? great
5. Your favorite food? Thai
6. Your dream last night? none
7. Your favorite drink? Guinness
8. Your dream/goal? fatherhood
9. What room are you in? living room
10. Your hobby? DIY
11. Your fear? (open) water
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? parent
13. Where were you last night? home
14. Something that you aren’t? extrovert
15. Muffins? chocolate chip
16. Wish list item? child
17. Where did you grow up? Ireland
18. Last thing you did? gym
19. What are you wearing? clothes (be grateful!)
20. Your TV? on
21. Your pets? dogs
22. Friends? encouraging
23. Your life? good
24. Your mood? cheerful
25. Missing someone? Mum
26. Vehicle? Beetle
27. Something you’re not wearing? shoes
28. Your favorite store? Lowes
29. Your favorite color? blue
30. When was the last time you laughed? reading wife's blog
31. Last time you cried? dunno
32. Your best friend? wife
33. One place that I go to over and over? gym
34. One person who emails me regularly? sister
35. Favorite place to eat? South St. Burger

Okay, so I didn't stick to one answer every time. I'm so rebellious!

You all are fantastic, so if you want to join in the fun, please accept this award from me!

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Dem Balls

Currently my wife and I are on a spawning break until the new year. We're both trying to get healthier and have tried to get serious about exercising regularly, eating better, and keeping up with our acupuncture and TCM stuff.

So this isn't exactly a pressing matter, but as we think ahead to future fertility treatments, I've been wondering about this "small testicular tissue sample" that Dr. Balls is recommending I do should we move on to IVF/ICSI.

Fellow bloggers and good readers does anyone know much more about this? Because all I can think about is OUCH.

I haven't had an opportunity yet to discuss this more with my urologist, Dr. Balls, but I'm curious to know if there are any other azoo/MFI guys out there that have braved this? I'm also wondering what the chances are that this would produce viable sperm that could be used? In other words, is it worth the pain and agony for someone in my situation?

I'm a numbers guy. Anyone got numbers for me?

Advice appreciated. I figure I may as well start my researching now before I stock up on bags of frozen vegetables for post-procedure numbing.

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Answers

Somehow I managed to survive my "no sex" weekend and made it to the SA on Monday.

That alone was a feat in itself! Pat on the back for me.

Was able to do the deed in the lab. Again. It's still awkward and somewhat embarrassing but dare I say it feels somewhat routine since I've had to do so many of these now?

Dr. Balls (my urologist) emailed me with the results the next day. He's good that way since it's a good hour drive for me to get to his office.

Unfortunately, my SA shows no real change from the last post-surgery test. I still only have rare non-motile sperm showing up.

My FSH and testosterone levels are better but Dr. Balls feels that at this stage, this is as good as it's going to get for me.

He recommends me going into the lab once or twice a month over the next little while so that they can freeze any possible sperm that show up in the samples. He also recommends that I arrange for a small testicular tissue sample to be taken as a back up in case there are not enough sperm in the ejaculate. There is a possibility that this could be used with IVF via ICSI should we end up going that route.

Testicular tissue sample? Umm...OUCH!

Even with all of that, it is recommended that we continue with donor sperm as back up. Even if we do move on to IVF.

So that's where we're at. I know it's not exactly great news, but we're actually doing okay with this.

As I've said from day one, my particular case made it pretty rare for any of this to make a big difference for me.

But we've got the answers we need now to move forward and there is still the slight hope that I might be able to take part in biologically creating our child.

No matter what though, I am confident that some day we will have our baby. And sperm or no sperm, I like to think that I'll have a good hand in creating it. Maybe not the biological way. Or even the "traditional" way. But love has got to count for something in all of this.

And that's enough for me.

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